Having a disabled child affects all members of a family. Mothers and fathers can sometimes react in different ways to the news that their child has a disability or medical condition. As a father of a disabled child, you may find your partner or other members of the family looking to you for support at a time when you have to adapt to a new and sometimes difficult set of circumstances.
Your role
A dad's role is a mixed one. Many dad's stress the fact that they need to be the breadwinner particularly because of the extra costs of caring for a disabled child, but that this can mean being absent from meetings or from carrying out much of the day-to-day care of their child. Service providers often presume, wrongly, that fathers who are not seen at meetings are not doing anything. As a dad you may feel you have a dual role; you may need to offer support but also provide the practical help that is needed.
Accessing information
Like all parents, when you find out your child has a disability the first thing you look for is information. Many fathers feel this is the most important issue - but have learnt that it is vital not to forget the child in their search for information.
You might find it helpful to get information from others who have been in the same situation. A support group or national organisation which specialises in a particular condition might be a good place to start. Contact a Family can help you with this.
Support for dads
It is important to be listened to - to have a sounding block. Try to make use of all your support networks - it might be your wife or partner, friend or neighbour. It might be helpful to try and just get some time to yourself or to spend some time alone with your partner. Remember that it's OK to ask for help.
You might find it hard to talk to friends or neighbours about your child's disability and you may feel your wife or partner has access to other friends and support that is not available to you. But it is important to find someone to talk to if you can and realise that you are not alone in this feeling; other dads feel this way too.
Sometimes there is a key professional who can open the door to lots of information or contacts. This could be a health visitor, occupational therapist or person working for a voluntary organisation. There are a few support groups now for dads of disabled children in the UK. There are also many children's centres, which are initiatives to work with parents of pre-school children. Ask your GP, health visitor or social worker for more information.
You might find a professional counselling service a helpful way of unloading some of your thoughts and feelings. Your GP should be able to tell you about any local services.
Dealing with other people's reaction
Often dealing with how other people react to your child's disability can be one of the most difficult issues. The best way is to approach other people directly and talk openly about your son or daughter having a disability.
Lone dads
Some dads become the sole carer for their disabled child. For different reasons, other dads might take on the sole care of their children. It is important to access as much help, support and advice as you can.
One Parent Families
Tel: 0800 018 5026 - Lone parent helpline
Web: http://www.oneparentfamilies.org.uk
One Parent Families is a national organisation which supports lone parents and provides free information on a variety of issues including maintenance, tax credits, benefits, work, education, legal rights, childcare, holidays. It also aims to put lone parents in touch with other organisations and groups who are best placed to help them as well as identifying groups in their local area.
Stepfathers
Stepfathers need just as much information and support as any other father - perhaps more when they come into a child's life without experiencing all of their history.
If you need more information
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